


Sine Qua Non

by autotunedd



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Canon Compliant, Emotions, First Time, I wanted to write a soft first time but it didn't turn out that soft, M/M, Post S7, planning sex in advance, porn with some character study, the atlas is the new home base for a while
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-09-15 19:34:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16939365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autotunedd/pseuds/autotunedd
Summary: A few months after confessing their feelings to each other, Keith and Shiro finally have sex.





	Sine Qua Non

‘It’s weird that we planned this in advance’.  
  
‘We’re busy people,’ Shiro answers.  
  
Keith smiles and the door closes behind him automatically. This isn’t the first time he's been alone in Shiro’s quarters on the Atlas. It isn’t the first time he has slept in here either. Since their confessions a few months ago, they have been getting to know each other better. That is, physically and a little more emotionally.  
  
The first few weeks of their new, more defined, relationship were a little difficult. Earth had to be rebuilt. Keith cleared rubble with the Paladins, using the lions to expedite the work. They helped to rebuild. At the same time, Shiro coordinated the coalition forces that were slowly arriving from all over. He was in charge of the integration effort, and it wasn’t easy. How do you convince a planet recently subjugated by aliens to become a hub for an alien resistance movement? On the streets of slowly rejuvenating cities were dozens of species all trying to get along. There were bumps in the road.  
  
Months later, they finally have some respite from Earth’s internal woes and challenges. Atlas is getting a chance to stretch her legs. It’s a morale boosting exercise as much as it is practice. Shiro wants to see how all the pieces come together. For the next three weeks, Atlas will tour the system, practising emergency drills. With all the lions on board, the MFE pilots and Shiro’s fresh promotion, he is responsible for the immediate welfare of hundreds of lives. Atlas has a crew a hundred times larger than the Castle of Lions or Voltron ever did _.  
_  
So, they are busy. They don’t have many chances to be alone. Over the past three months they have carved out enough fleeting encounters to now be comfortable with each other physically. It began with a few weeks of discrete making out; then came a hand-job or two or three. At some point, blow-jobs turned up on the menu. It was awkward at first. There was a difference between _I love you_ —and actually being physically vulnerable. They were just different things. Keith was used to being emotionally vulnerable with Shiro, but the physical side of it was something new.  
  
The first time Shiro sucked his dick, Keith covered his face with his hands and didn’t make a sound. He didn’t know what to do. Over time, he became less embarrassed. It helped that Shiro was unashamed. He was always comfortable. He made it easy for Keith to enjoy himself and return the favour. And he _liked_ sucking Shiro’s dick. He liked making him feel good. So, they found a rhythm that worked.  
  
They just haven’t had sex. There was always too much going on, or it never felt like the right time. Usually, a blow job or a hand-job was enough. Then, last week, he took Black out on a simple day-trip to collect minerals and Shiro tagged along. An unexpected close call got their adrenaline pumping. Falling over themselves as they climbed into Black, they had pawed each other’s clothes half-off before Coran’s voice rang in the dark. After pulling his shirt back on, Keith slapped the dash and grumbled his way through the request to return. They were needed back on the Atlas.  
  
Looking back, he wonders if that would have been a better first time. Having sex for the first time, spontaneously, in a cold metal room on a semi-sentient ship had its merits. If something went wrong, he could cry temporary insanity or blame it on the conditions. The plan for tonight is different. Because there _is_ a plan. Shiro carved out this time in his schedule so they could have sex. He has contingencies. Atlas is being helmed by the best crew and _every_ person on the ship knows Shiro is off limits unless there’s an emergency, and Shiro _defined_ the kind of emergencies that counted. If he is called away, the entire ship has to be in peril.  
  
Now, Shiro unbuttons his uniform and throws his jacket over the back of a chair. He turns with a tired smile and holds his arms out beside him.  
  
‘Peace and quiet,’ he whispers blissfully.  
  
‘For now’.  
  
‘Don’t jinx it’. Shiro lowers himself onto the bed and falls back against the mattress. ‘I’m just going to lie down for five minutes. I need to build-up my energy’.  
  
He pats the space beside him so Keith toes his shoes off and sinks down onto the bed beside him. When asked why he needed a bigger bed than regulation, Shiro explained to the person in charge of all that, ‘ _I’m big!’_ Truthfully, his prosthetic arm takes up half the mattress anyway. Keith has had to find inventive ways of sleeping around it. Most nights, he sleeps draped over Shiro’s chest or back. It’s easier and he likes it more than he expected. Especially holding him from behind. He gets into a similar position now, pressing against Shiro’s side. He hasn’t seen him since this-morning.  
  
‘Long day?’ he asks.  
  
Shiro nuzzles his nose into Keith’s hair and mumbles confirmation before inhaling appreciatively.  
  
_‘You smell good’.  
  
_‘I took a shower,' Keith blushes. 'I figured it was appropriate, considering’.  
  
Shiro rolls over until he is perched above him, his weight on his elbow. Shiro has a soft, easy smile on his face. Still, Keith can see the tiredness in his eyes. His workload is weighing on him, but he seems content. Shiro is a sucker for punishment. He always has been.  
  
‘Tonight’s the night’.  
  
‘Unless you just want to sleep,' Keith says. ‘You look so tired’.  
  
‘Having second thoughts?’ Shiro asks. In his voice is the obvious unspoken fact that if he _is_ , that’s okay. But he isn’t backing out. Deciding to have sex was a mutual decision and also just instinctive. When they returned to the Atlas after that horny near-miss, Keith was the one to take control. He stopped Shiro in the empty hallway and kissed him. _I want to have sex_ , _let’s do it._ Shiro kissed him back and said _leave it with me. I want to make sure we have time_.  
  
They could have had sex any number of times since, but only briefly and with the constant threat of interruption. It has been strange waiting for a specific day and time, but Keith understands it. Lying here now, he doesn’t feel the stress of waiting for the next crisis. Shiro doesn’t either, he can tell. He’s not sure if that will make tonight easier or harder. There is no adrenaline to assist.  
  
‘No. I want to do this’.  
  
‘Are you nervous?’ Shiro asks.  
  
‘A little’.  
  
It embarrasses him to say so. He is a different person to the Keith who first left Earth. He has become more centred and in control of his emotions. He can quell his own insecurities and frustrations quicker than before. Still, he is nervous about this. He is nervous about the logistics. He is nervous about how it will change things between them. He is nervous about being so exposed. He is nervous about their compatibility. Just because everything else has been good, doesn’t mean this will be too. He isn’t exactly a master of experience.  
  
Shiro drops some of his body weight, so their hips are flat against each other, his upper body propped up by his elbow. Keith feels Shiro’s cock through their pants now and his lips part. It feels nice having some of Shiro’s weight on him. Warm and heavy.  
  
‘We’ll figure it out,’ Shiro says. ‘We have plenty of time’.  
  
And for a while, they just kiss. Keith enjoys the simplicity of it and the _time_ they have. He trails his fingers over Shiro’s prosthetic arm and finds the innocuous places that make him shiver. They explore each other, in no hurry to speed things along.  
  
After a while, Shiro pauses.  
  
‘You’re beautiful’.  
  
‘Thanks,’ Keith jokes. ‘You too’.  
  
Shiro smiles and adopts a more serious face, but only marginally so. He brushes a strand of hair from Keith’s forehead. It’s a sweet gesture.  
  
‘To make absolutely sure--- you have done this before?’  
  
‘A few times,’ Keith answers. ‘Not like _this’_.  
  
‘Like what?’  
  
‘Uh--- nice?’ Keith suggests, embarrassed. ‘In a bed?’  
  
Shiro raises an eyebrow, confused.  
  
‘You’ve never had sex in a _bed?’  
_  
‘No?’  
  
He doesn’t fill in the blanks of his sexual incongruities. He doesn’t tell Shiro that the majority of his sexual encounters with men especially were had pressed against a wall or bent over something. They were quick transactions. He didn’t want a sweaty, grunting stranger in his bed. In that period he was sleeping around, he wanted to hurt. He wanted to cum and feel bad about it. It was better to do it in other places.  
  
To his credit, Shiro doesn’t ask. He will eventually, Keith knows. When he does, he’ll probably tell him the truth. For now, Shiro seems intuitively to understand. In lieu of words, Shiro lowers his head and plants a soft kiss on his forehead. It’s sweet and warm. Keith’s eyelids drift closed and Shiro presses ghosting kisses on each one before planting a chaste kiss on his lips as well.  
  
Keith sighs. He has never been treated like this before. In the back of his head, a voice cries weakness and fragility. Playing into this gentleness is submission. He rails against it, but the greater part of him is steady. He doesn’t run away from this. Shiro _knows_ who he is. That stops any frustrations in their infancy. Tenderness isn’t Shiro asking him to submit—it’s a mutual release. He wants them to share their vulnerability and Keith wants that too.  
  
When they almost had sex in Black, Shiro was passionate and desperate. They left marks on each other’s skin. Keith wants to feel both. He is more accustomed to the other, but he wants to give this a try.  
  
‘I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about me,’ Keith says quietly. ‘I wasn’t looking for romance back then. I just needed a release sometimes. I didn’t want it to be anything more. Is that wrong?’  
  
‘No,’ Shiro says simply.  
  
Keith smiles at this encouragement but a flicker of doubt lights up the back of his mind. How can they be on the same footing when their experiences have been so different? Shiro senses the unspoken question. He adjusts his weight above him so he is more comfortably on his forearms and he tells an unexpected story.  
  
‘You know, when I was a prisoner, I sometimes dreamt about sex,’ he says frankly. ‘Not very often, but when I did, they were vivid dreams. They were such a contrast to what I experienced awake. I could smell and taste; I could feel another person’s skin beneath my fingertips. I felt real pleasure,’ he says. ‘I would wake up so desperate for human contact, so _desperate_ to be touched, it would leave me dazed. There was one time, not long before my escape, when I was breaking apart,’ he confesses. ‘I was hanging on by a thread. I had been a prisoner for months. They had taken my arm. They had tortured me. I had killed. My memory was in pieces. When I woke up from one of those dreams and felt that desperation, I acted on it. I touched myself in a Galra prison cell with my face against the wall and no privacy. I didn’t care anymore. I just wanted to feel better. _One more time_ , I wanted to feel happy, even if it was only for a second’.  
  
Keith swallows hard. Shiro has never talked about his imprisonment. Initially, he said he didn’t remember it. Over time, Keith knew pieces came back to him, but he never asked. Shiro made it clear he didn’t want to talk.  
  
‘Did it help?’  
  
‘Yes,’ Shiro answers simply. ‘A few hours later, they called me to the arena and I killed a living thing to save myself. What I did in that cell helped me get through another day’. He hangs his head in a private confession. ‘I had become an animal, but for a few minutes I was a person again. A human being with needs.’  
  
Keith feels such a swell of sympathy. Gratitude too, for Shiro opening up like this. He has told this story to relate and lay himself bare. Keith can’t compare his own experiences post Kerberos to Shiro’s imprisonment and torture, but he understands the thread of similarity between them. Shiro had lost himself. He did what he could to mitigate his suffering. Keith understands that. He did the same.  
  
After Shiro’s death on Kerberos, he self-destructed. He became hyper-focused on signs and symbols in the desert. He would come out of these fugues and the weight of his pain would devastate him. The easiest way to stop the pain was to create _new_ pain. Occasionally fucking a stranger helped bury his rooted pain under new, more superficial hurts. It was demeaning, but effective. For a while, sporadic sexual encounters helped focus him. They reoriented him while he searched for answers.  
  
‘We’re all people trying to get by,’ Shiro says knowingly.  
  
Keith nods in agreement and caresses Shiro’s cheek above him. For so much of his life, Shiro has been his lifeline. Even so, he always held something back. Now, he feels that Shiro knows all the unsaid things already, and that—in turn, Shiro is loosening the bonds around his own memories. Piece by piece, he’ll let Keith see the whole of him, not just the manufactured exterior he shows everyone else, perfect and without flaws.  
  
‘Thank-you’ Keith says.  
  
‘For what?’  
  
‘Doing it this way. I’m glad we didn’t do it for the first time in Black’.  
  
Shiro smiles and they meet somewhere in the middle. Keith holds his face when they kiss. Knowing no-one can disturb them means he takes his time. He kisses Shiro slow and deep, savouring every second. Savouring the taste of him. Savouring his warmth. Savouring the warm huffs of air from Shiro’s nose against his cheek. Savouring how _easy_ this part is--- because it shouldn’t be. A few bumps along the road notwithstanding, it should have been harder to become _this_. It should have been harder to go from that undefined place to feeling thoroughly comfortable and at home. Instead, he kisses Shiro like he has been doing it for years. He pulls on his shirt, tugging on him, desperate for closeness. Shiro drops his full weight down and Keith’s lips part at how stifling it feels. It’s amazing. He locks his thighs around Shiro’s hips and holds him by the back of the neck to keep him close.  
  
In time, Shiro lays a trail of kisses down his throat. He bunches Keith’s shirt up around his armpits and kisses a nipple. One after the other, he sucks on them. He teases them. Shiro nicks the buds with his teeth. He takes his time. His tongue is so warm and nice. It’s attentive. Maybe that’s why Keith likes it so much, which is something they established weeks ago. Because it isn’t reciprocal. Shiro does it solely for _his_ pleasure, not his own. And it is _pleasure._ It’s crazy. Maybe it’s some latent Galra trait, but it turns him on. Shiro sucking and nipping at his nipples makes him hard. His heart races.  
  
‘Good?’ Shiro asks.  
  
_‘Yes’._  
  
Keith feels Shiro smile, even with his eyes closed. Shiro likes to be in control—which isn’t to say he likes to be in control _all the time_ , but when he is, he _enjoys_ it. He can be teasing and cocky. He gets pleasure out of doing a good job, and god he does a good job.  
  
‘What do you want me to do to you?’ Shiro asks in a tone that makes Keith weak. The bed shifts and Keith opens his eyes to find Shiro sitting back on his heels, waiting for directions. In another timeline, Keith might be embarrassed to say anything, but in this timeline, on this night? Fuck it.  
  
He matches Shiro’s overconfident expression and slowly undoes the buttons on his trousers. Shiro watches intently. Keith tries to make it a show. He slowly unzips his fly and pulls his trousers down an inch. Shiro eyes him hungrily and drops to the mattress between Keith’s thighs.  
  
‘What are you waiting for?’ Keith whispers.  
  
It's overconfident to a degree he doesn’t feel, but like all their new experiences, Shiro makes him feel like he can fake it till he makes it. Shiro always responds in a positive way. It’s an ego-boost.  
  
Shiro tugs at Keith’s waistband and pulls his trousers down his thighs. They bunch a little above the knee and his cock springs back against his stomach. He is hard already. He isn’t embarrassed because Shiro looks at him appreciatively. Shiro touches his cock like it’s something precious and plants a gentle kiss on his flushed head before sucking it into his mouth.    
  
The sudden wet heat is overwhelming. Keith’s knees turn in, hitting Shiro’s shoulders. It’s unexpected. Shiro sucks so intensely, Keith’s thighs tremble. He digs his fingers into the sheets but there’s no relief. For a minute straight, Shiro is relentless, like he _wants_ him to cum in sixty seconds flat. Keith pants into his own closed fist. Shiro blows him like it’s his full-time job. Then he suddenly eases off. There is a reprieve. Shiro sucks slowly and gently. He plants gentle kisses up the underside of his shaft and Keith releases a shaky exhale of pent-up stress.  
  
‘Relax,’ Shiro says.  
  
‘You’re not _relaxing_ me’.  
  
Shiro spits in his hand and squeezes his fist up the shaft, firm but slow. It feels so fucking good. Keith likes it this way. He likes Shiro’s grip and his strength. Keith lets his thighs fall open and he rocks up into Shiro’s fist. His thighs close when a cold line of lube materialises from somewhere and shocks his heated skin, but Shiro teases them open again with firm strokes.  
  
Keith makes a quiet sound of pleasure. He’s come a long way in a short time, from covering his face and clenching his legs together, to being okay with spreading them, but Shiro’s comfort became his own. These things they’ve been doing with each other feel good. He can’t _enjoy_ them if he allows himself to be self-conscious. It’s hard anyway, when Shiro looks at him the way he does.  
  
Keith opens his eyes and finds Shiro’s eyes on him now, hungry but tender too, so full of passionate intensity it shocks him. It’s the same way he looks at Shiro. With their eyes on each other, Keith rocks into Shiro’s fist, turned on by the slick, wet sound of Shiro’s hand. They maintain eye contact until Keith feels pressure build in his gut and his thighs close instinctively.  
  
_‘Stop. I’m close._ ’  
  
Shiro leaves off, but he nudges Keith’s thighs back apart and brings the lube back for another sweep. Keith flinches when a cold line slides down between his legs. His eyes widen.  
  
‘We’re not doing anything yet,’ Shiro assures him. ‘Just--- _relaxing you’.  
_  
‘I’m already relaxed’.  
  
‘You know what I mean’.  
  
Keith swallows and looks up at the ceiling. Shiro is being overly attentive but it _has_ been a long time since anyone fucked him, and Christ knows it sort of hurt those other times. The way he acted on those few occasions, he didn’t inure himself to anyone. He was rude and aggressive. His partners didn’t take a lot of time to prepare him. A quick finger shoved inside and off they went. His times with women didn’t go much different. He was selfish and myopic.  
  
‘Alright,’ he says quietly.  
  
He does his best to relax. Shiro’s prosthetic hand takes a fistful of his thigh and pushes his legs back, knees to the chest. Shiro holds him in this position. It's a little awkward with his pants still bunched around his knees, but they make it work. Keith is flexible and he likes the added strain. Shiro rubs gentle circles into tight skin. Keith flinches at the sudden touch. _When was the last time someone touched me here_? But Shiro takes his time. He is predictable and mellow. When the first finger presses against him finally, Keith feels the pressure but doesn’t put the pieces together in his mind until Shiro’s finger is inside him, down to the second joint.  
  
Unlike the other times, it doesn’t hurt. It’s not unpleasant, it’s just different. He keeps his eyes closed and lets Shiro slowly open him up. After a while, it even starts to feel nice. Shiro does something with his finger. He applies pressure in this one place, like he’s kneading him from the inside. A shaky breath edges out of Keith’s lips. It feels _good_. Even better when there’s two fingers, which doesn’t take long. It makes his knees shake. _Is this nice because Shiro knows what he’s doing, or because it’s Shiro who’s doing it?_ At one point, he almost whimpers.  
  
‘It feels good?’ Shiro asks.  
  
_‘Yes’._  
  
Shiro removes his fingers and releases Keith’s legs, which fall back to the mattress. He has this weird sensation of emptiness for the first time and pulls at Shiro’s shirt.  
  
He wants to say, _let’s do this already,_ but he looks at Shiro’s flushed face and his selfless intensity. He wants to make sure Shiro gets something out of this too. Keith wants to return his attentiveness. He gently presses his foot over Shiro’s clothed dick. He can tell through his trousers, he is only half hard.  
  
‘Let me get you ready’.  
  
He sits up and pushes Shiro to lie down. He reverses their positions and tucks himself back into his pants, sitting over Shiro with his knees either side of his thighs. The look of need on Shiro’s face makes the delay immediately worth it. There’s this little part of Shiro that _cracks_ when he is not in control--- it turns him on to be dominated and pushed around. Keith sees it in his eyes. He must experience it so infrequently in his daily life, any taste of it excites him.  
  
He’s never asked because it’s out of bounds, but on the rare occasions he saw Shiro with Adam at the Garrison, they had a particular dynamic he couldn’t help noticing. Adam liked to be in control. He was loving but domineering and Shiro enjoyed that. He happily fell into step behind him. He liked being subordinate. He probably likes bottoming. Keith wants to do that for him too. He thinks he could easily enjoy that role.  
  
‘Take your clothes off’.  
  
Shiro lips part in anticipation and Keith shrugs, gesturing at his middle.  
  
‘All of them’.  
  
For a moment, Shiro hesitates. Maybe he didn’t pencil this into his schedule. Either way, Keith is no longer content to lie back and let Shiro do all the work. He has nervous energy he has to expend. He wants them both to be comfortable. He wants to wring the vulnerability from Shiro’s body before he bares his own.  
  
Keith pulls Shiro’s shirt over his head, then scoots down the bed and pulls his tight-fitting pants down his legs. They form a pile on the ground. Keith sits back on his heels so he can enjoy the view. They have been groping each other for weeks, but time constraints and other difficulties meant they never had a lot of time. He has seen Shiro naked dozens of times, but not like this. Not so relaxed and free. He is unselfconscious and content. He is fucking beautiful. Shiro smiles and raises his brows as if to says, _what’s next?_ Keith nods at Shiro’s briefs—the only thing left covering him.  
  
_‘Admiral’._  
  
If you please.  
  
Shiro laughs quietly and lifts his hips so he can pull them down, kicking them off the bed over Keith’s shoulder.  
  
‘There you go’.  
  
‘Thank-you’.  
  
Keith moves down on all fours. He likes Shiro’s cock like this—half hard but still soft. It makes him feel powerful. He likes bringing it to life. He loves the way Shiro responds. Shiro is vocal and unselfconscious. He really _feels_. He lets himself get lost in physical sensation.  
  
‘I haven’t showered yet’.  
  
‘I don’t want you to,’ Keith answers, nudging Shiro’s legs apart. He nestles on his stomach between them, and plants a soft kiss to the inside of his thigh. ‘I want to smell you,’ he says, breathing deep. After a day’s work, Shiro still has his natural scent. It hasn’t been smothered by soap and other fragrances. This is the smell Keith _knows_. ‘I want to taste you,’ he says, dragging his tongue up the inside of the other thigh.  
  
Shiro’s breathing immediately changes. He is excited. He props himself up on his elbows and they make eye contact.  
  
‘Are you going to watch me?’ Keith asks.  
  
‘Yes’.  
  
Keith flushes. Shiro is too in control when they fool around. It makes Keith feel like a novice, so inexperienced he can’t phase him. Even when Shiro is vocal and appreciative, Keith feels he’s holding something back. Just once, he’d like to break him.  
  
‘Alright’.  
  
Keith changes his position, arching his back so his ass is in the air. He catches Shiro eyeing the new view and takes advantage of the distraction. He slides his arms beneath Shiro’s thighs. In this position, Shiro’s legs are almost over his shoulders. It’s intimate. It lets Keith be comfortable when he takes Shiro in his mouth.  
  
_‘Oh--’_  
  
Shiro’s response is immediate. His breathing changes and Keith is gratified. He does the opposite of what Shiro did to him. He doesn’t start with intensity, he starts slow and builds. He sucks Shiro’s cock so slowly it must torment him. He doesn’t use his hands. When Shiro’s cock falls out of his mouth, he gropes for it again with his lips and tongue. He doesn’t know why he does that, he just has an inkling and Shiro responds the way he hopes. It turns him on. Keith does it a few times, just for the show.  
  
He increases his speed and uses a little more pressure. Shiro swells in his mouth. It’s intoxicating. It feels good, the way he grows and hardens. It spurs him on. He _likes_ sucking Shiro’s dick. He likes the way his hips rise off the bed. He likes the sounds he makes. Punctuated stutters and low groans. He likes the way Shiro tastes, shower or no shower. He likes the way he smells. He likes the way Shiro’s thighs tense. He lets Shiro’s cock slip out of his mouth and makes eye contact.  
  
‘Is it good?’ he asks, mirroring Shiro’s frequent questioning.  
  
_‘Keith’._  
  
‘I have something for you. I was saving it for a special occasion but I think this qualifies’.  
  
Shiro’s brow furrows and Keith smiles. He takes a moment to enjoy Shiro’s confusion. His skin is hot beneath his fingers. He sucks Shiro back into his mouth and bobs his head a few times, using his hand to keep him in place. He goes a little deeper each time. He has _practised_ this. It took several awkward and uncomfortable sessions in his own room with various utensils to try and get this down, but he knows he can do it. He has mastered his gag reflex. Shiro hasn’t done it for him, which makes this all the better.  
  
Keith relaxes. He lets the tension leave his shoulders and arms, his head and his neck. He relaxes his throat. He says a little prayer and swallows Shiro down until his he feels his cock bend and go a little way down his throat. He almost gags. It’s fucking uncomfortable. Shiro is big, and Keith finds it hard to breathe through his nose, but he pulls back and does it again and Shiro’s thighs _tremble_ in his hands. He feels the shiver that rolls through his lower body.  
  
_‘Oh fuck---'_  
  
Keith deep-throats him and Shiro’s exclamations slip out. His hips lift—trying to fuck into his mouth, but Keith keeps him firmly in place. He controls the movements. Shiro pants and pleads. It’s a beautiful sound. Keith starts to unravel him. He takes Shiro’s cock as deep as he can until there are tears in his eyes. He runs a hand over Shiro’s stomach to relax him and feels the tightness in it. He feels Shiro shudder through his fingertips. He gags a few times but doesn’t stop. He just swallows him down until it becomes too uncomfortable and he can’t anymore. When Shiro slips out of his mouth, Keith takes an overdue, heaving breath and coughs involuntarily.  
  
Shiro looks at him in this weird way Keith can’t figure out. It isn’t bad. Maybe it’s gratitude. It’s not an easy or sexy thing to do. Keith knows his face is red. He had to swallow half a litre of fucking spit on top of that. Keith brushes it off. He gets back to it. He sucks Shiro’s flushed head into his mouth and bobs a few more times, shallow now, but Shiro stops him.  
  
_‘No, no, no. You need to stop’.  
_  
Keith doesn’t immediately stop--- he hasn’t finished yet, but Shiro’s fingers slide into his hair and tighten, and his thighs clench in warning. He voice is commanding.  
  
_‘Stop!’_  
  
Keith lets Shiro slip out of his mouth and tilts his head, breathless.  
  
‘Why?’  
  
‘I’m going to cum,’ Shiro answers desperately. His chest heaves. His face is red. He is breathless. He looks dazed. He holds Keith’s head between his thighs for a moment, keeping him aloft and his mouth out of the way—like he’s afraid he’ll lick him and this will all be over. Keith enjoys the view and the way Shiro’s body shakes as he calms down. He was on the edge.  
  
He slides his hands out from under Shiro’s thighs and looks up, pretty satisfied. Shiro covers his face with his hands and shakes his head. When he shows his face again, he runs a stressed hand through his hair.  
  
‘ _What?_ ’ Shiro asks. ‘I’ve never—nobody has ever--- _wow’.  
_  
‘I’m very talented,’ Keith answers with a shrug. He pats the inside of Shiro’s thigh. ‘Are you ready?’  
  
‘For sex?’ Shiro answers. ‘Absolutely not. I need to calm down’.  
  
‘Alright,’ Keith answers, stepping off the bed. He stands near the pile of Shiro’s clothes and slowly takes off his own. He pulls his shirt over his head and lets it drop. Then, he slides his trousers down his thighs and steps out of them too, maintaining eye contact the whole time. When he steps out of his briefs, Shiro’s eyes follow. _  
  
_Maybe he was nervous initially, but Keith feels powerful now. When Shiro looks at him like this, it emboldens him. It washes away his anxieties and his questions. There hasn’t been a single moment so far, not in months, where he felt uncomfortable or had regrets. He has nothing to fear.  
  
‘You’re making this so hard for me,’ Shiro groans. He pulls Keith onto the mattress and flips him onto his back.  
  
‘In what way?’  
  
‘I wanted this to be a nice first time,’ Shiro says. ‘Slow. Gentle. I wanted us to get to know each-other’s bodies better’.  
  
Keith smiles at the sentiment. It’s a nice thought. Shiro does need time to cool off. Maybe they can still be gentle with each other. Keith presses a soft kiss to Shiro’s lips.  
  
‘We can still do that’.  
  
He reaches between them and gives one last teasing pull of Shiro’s cock before pulling him down so they are pressed against each other. Like this, there’s no strain on his neck. He can take his time.  
  
They kiss, slow but passionate. Keith savours the taste of him. His warmth. His gentleness. He can probably taste himself but Keith doesn’t care. Shiro only breaks the kiss to press his lips over other places. Innocuous places. Keith closes his eyes and enjoys the sensation of ghosting fingertips running down his arms and chaste kisses on the inside of his elbows. Shiro kisses the bone of his hip and his collarbone. He kisses the shell of his ear and his neck. He kisses the scar on his face. It’s such a small thing but it feels sensual and nice. All the while, Keith drags light fingertips over what parts of Shiro he can reach.  
  
When Shiro lets him, Keith rolls them over and returns the favour. He presses ghosting kisses over each of Shiro’s scars. He devotes time to his left arm, kissing each finger individually. His palm. His wrist. It’s a quiet apology for taking his other arm. For good measure, he kisses the prosthetic too. He knows Shiro has sensations in it, they’re just different.  
  
Shiro has been tactile for as long as Keith has known him. Since being pulled from Black’s inner quintessence, his need for contact has been amplified. Keith can’t imagine what it’s like to be conscious without a body. How hard must it be to process that kind of loneliness and emptiness? He does what he can for Shiro without it being too obvious. He touches him as much as possible in their daily lives. He finds excuses to hold his arm and back. No-one notices when he touches Shiro’s shoulder and his hand lingers.  
  
When they‘re intimate or sleep together, he does the same. The first few times they shared a bed, they slept on opposite sides of the mattress, but Shiro would sleep poorly when they did. After a while, he realised Shiro just needed contact. Shiro sleeps best when Keith drapes himself over his back and holds him in his sleep. He likes doing it. He has lost Shiro so many times, it feels like the only safe place left for him.  
  
So, touching each other now, in small and innocuous ways, feels like a nice prelude to sex. At the end of it all, Keith feels overstimulated. His skin feels sensitive. Shiro kisses him and he smiles into it.  
  
‘That was nice’.  
  
Shiro buries his face in Keith’s neck and breathes deep, like he could stay there forever, and Keith knows it’s time. He is ready for it. He wants this final wall between them to come down. After this, he will know Shiro completely. He wants that more than anything. He wants Shiro to know him in return.  
  
He cradles Shiro’s hand and guides it down his body, over his stomach and between his legs. Shiro kisses his neck in answer. Suddenly, the atmosphere is changed. They are not desperate anymore. There are no more jokes and teasing smiles. Shiro looks serious and careful and Keith feels the same, like this is a precious moment he can’t tarnish with levity.  
  
Shiro fingers him again. He takes his time. When he adds the second finger, Keith breathes into Shiro’s cheek.  
  
_‘That’s nice’._  
  
‘I want you to feel good,’ Shiro whispers.  
  
Keith withdraws enough for them to look at each other and he squeezes Shiro’s side.  
  
‘So make me feel good’.  
  
Shiro almost sways in gratitude before leaning back on his heels. Keith lets go reluctantly but watches him intently. He watches Shiro pull a condom out of a drawer and fish the lube from where it fell onto the floor. Keith palms himself, trying to relax. He is only half-hard. Shiro rolls his condom on and scoots a little further forward. Shiro’s thighs push up against the back of his and Keith’s heart pounds in his chest. He is breathless from anticipation.  
  
He has loved Shiro for years. Those first few weeks with Voltron changed everything. Before that, Shiro was everything to him in a different way. He doesn’t know the exact moment his feelings changed and became this, but when they did, it couldn’t be undone. Shiro felt the same. He said it plainly. So, this moment is surreal. After this, no matter where he goes in the universe, part of him will always stay behind. A tangible piece of him will always belong to Shiro. Then again, it always has.  
  
Shiro slides a firm pillow beneath his hips and they’re ready. No more foreplay or getting around it. Shiro leans forward to kiss him one last time.  
  
‘Are you ready?’  
  
_‘Yes’._  
  
Keith feels Shiro’s cock press against him, guided, and holds his breath. He keeps his eyes locked on Shiro’s face when he feels that first push, the pressure and the uncomfortable fullness. For a moment, it burns. It sort of hurts, like all the other times. Shiro is big. Maybe it will always be uncomfortable. Maybe this is what sex with men is.  
  
But Shiro stops. He runs a gentle hand over Keith’s stomach and waits before readjusting. He is careful and slow, giving him time to adjust. Keith can’t help but grimace. Shiro is patient though. He slowly unwinds. He begins to relax. He grips Shiro’s forearm to keep him steady. Shiro’s size begins to feel less insurmountable.  
  
‘Alright. Go slow though. I still need a minute’.  
  
Shiro kisses him as a distraction and rocks into him slowly. Keith’s lips part with each slow thrust and maybe it’s the distracting kisses but it starts to feel okay. The discomfort subsides. Soon enough, it actually feels good. The fullness is exciting. It's nice. He feels heat blooming in his gut. Keith slides a hand between their bodies and slides two fingers around Shiro’s cock. On the next thrust he feels Shiro holding back. He isn’t all the way in. He pulls at Shiro’s hip to drag him closer.  
  
Shiro reluctantly pushes in to the hilt. Keith’s head falls back and Shiro groans at the same time. For a moment, the stretch and fullness is uncomfortable, but when Keith _feels_ Shiro fully inside him, he shakes. Initial twinge aside, it feels nice. There’s nothing like it. Shiro looks concerned when he pulls back.  
  
‘Is this okay?’  
_  
‘Yeah. Keep going’.  
_  
Keith pulls at Shiro’s hip again. He uses the tips of his fingertips to try and drag him closer, to feel all of him again. He does and Keith’s head hits the pillow a second time. Shiro begins a steady moderate rhythm, gentle at first but becoming more confident and Keith can’t even lift his head, it feels so nice. Every thrust sends warmth radiating through him. It’s not intense, but it’s steady and building. With each thrust, his own cock rubs against his stomach.  
  
_‘It feels really good,_ ’ Keith whispers, opening his eyes.  
  
When he looks at Shiro, he’s dazed for a minute. He is so beautiful and vibrant and alive. This is such a stark contrast to every other time. To those nameless men in the past. This feels nice. Shiro cares about him. He cares about how he _feels_. Shiro looks strained, but he is keeping his pace slow regardless, even though it must be hard for him. He’s being thoughtful.  
  
‘Move how you want to,’ Keith tells him. ‘It’s okay’.  
  
‘It’s too soon’.  
  
_‘_ I’m not a virgin, Shiro. I’m telling you it’s okay. I won’t break. Trust me'.

Shiro hesitates but Keith squeezes his arm and for a moment, Shiro loses some of his control. He fucks him harder, eager to feel more. Keith’s breaths stutter out of him at the sudden change. It feels better. Different. For a minute, Shiro fucks him like they have done this a hundred times and Keith sees the next hundred times stretch out in front of him. Shiro _fucks_ him and it’s good. Skin slaps against skin and his body jolts with each thrust but Shiro holds him tightly in place. His stomach tenses and he fists his hands in the sheets. His hair pulls against the mattress.  
  
Shiro comes back to himself after a while and begins to slow, but Keith complains, breathless.  
  
_‘No, don’t stop. I like it. Please’._  
  
So, Shiro fucks him again. Really _fucks_ him--- and this is so unlike what Shiro said he wanted. Slow and gentle, discovering each other’s bodies. This isn’t that at all. But maybe they aren’t capable. Not now anyway, not during this first time because they have both pined and waited for so long. On some level, this is the culmination of all those desperate feelings. The harder Shiro fucks him, the more Keith feels all their shared memories intertwine. He feels the relief of finding Shiro alive when they were thrown out of the wormhole; His pain when Shiro went missing after the fight with Zarkon; His rage and sorrow when Shiro burnt his face. He feels it all and exorcises it.  
  
He squeezes his thighs tight into Shiro’s side and digs his nails into his skin.  
  
_‘Shiro. Harder’._  
  
Shiro grunts in answer and does as requested. With this extra push, something loosens in him too. Keith sees the whole gamut of emotions appear and disappear on his face. Joy. Sorrow. Pain. Regret. What is Shiro exorcising from _his_ mind? Which memories? His illness. Adam leaving him. His torture. His death. His compounding loss. All of the above? All Keith hopes is that Shiro comes out the other side grateful that every arrow in his heart led to this.  
  
‘I love you,’ Keith whispers, trying to steer him there. _‘I love you’.  
  
_He is overcome thinking about their losses, and all the impossible paths that led them here. He once asked Shiro if everything he had endured was worth it. Would he do it all again for the small rewards? Would he sacrifice his happiness and the lives of people he loved all over again to make the universe a safer place? Would he lose his arm a second time? Lose Adam? He said yes, then. The lives he had saved with Voltron were worth it. And that was a difficult thing to have to say. That was a hard thing to have to feel. Keith understands it, now more than ever. If he could go back to the beginning and avoid his hardest losses, would he? If he could save his mother and his father and be loved unconditionally? If he turned away from the Garrison and never shook Shiro’s hand, who would he be?  
  
Shiro stills for a minute to improve his balance, but Keith is so desperate for his touch his body moves on its own. He digs his heels into the mattress and rocks into Shiro’s lap. He does the work for both of them. He grabs a fistful of Shiro’s thighs and fucks himself on his cock. He finds what feels best and keeps doing it.  
  
Shiro remains still. He is surprised at first but Keith watches his eyelids flutter closed and his lips part. He _groans_. This feels good for him too. He likes this. They make eye-contact and maintain it. Keith can’t be ashamed of himself, even if he is wanton. Back on Earth, sex was nothing like this. Being with Shiro has changed him. He didn’t know he could enjoy his sexuality and have it not be a shameful thing. He didn’t know he could suck someone’s dick and like it. He didn’t know he could like himself. He didn’t know he could be sexy to someone else.  
  
But he _is_ , because Shiro is looking at him now with so much desire and awe, Keith feels like a fucking superhero. He fucks himself on Shiro’s cock and Shiro begins to shatter. Keith _wants_ to break him. He wants Shiro to loosen his control. _Stop thinking. Just feel._  
  
So, he touches himself and watches Shiro’s eyes follow. He drops his head back to expose his neck and jerks himself off, rolling his hips, pushing into Shiro’s lap. He closes his eyes and lets himself be vocal. It is partially for Shiro’s benefit. If Shiro likes this sort of thing, he wants to give it to him. At the same time, it feels nice just to let go. It feels nice to make the sounds he used to be intent on keeping in. He shudders and enjoys himself.  
  
When he feels himself getting close, he opens his eyes and Shiro is so on edge, he is practically panting from desperation. He puts him out of his misery.  
  
‘Shiro. Fuck me like you _want_ to _. It's okay'.  
_  
Shiro gasps. A visible shudder rolls through him. With this permission, Shiro fucks him hard like he is a man possessed and Keith can barely breathe for its intensity. It is stifling. Shiro fucks him so hard his breaths thud out of him, and he _likes_ it. He grasps desperately at Shiro’s skin and pulls him closer. Bursts of pleasure roll through him. Shiro gets a good angle and hits his prostate more often than not. It makes Keith shudder and his stomach clench. Heat blooms in his stomach and the base of his cock like he has rarely felt before.  
  
_‘Oh God. Feels so good. Please’._  
  
Shiro holds him tighter and tighter. Shiro adjusts their position. He manhandles him. He pushes him this way and that and he’s _rough_ , and Keith loves every second. He wants Shiro to get what he needs and what _he_ needs too. So, he digs his nails into Shiro’s back and breaks the skin. Shiro groans appreciatively and Keith knows they’re on the same page. There is room for sweetness and everything else, but tonight, they will mark each other. Tonight, they are so lucky to be here at all, they have to leave memories on each other’s skin.  
  
Before long, Keith is in a haze. He gets lost in the feeling. Shiro _fucks_ him and his brain empties. With every hard thrust, his cock hits his stomach and creates an added layer of sensation. His hair pulls painfully against the sheets. There is nothing but the quickening pleasure in his gut. He is louder than he has ever been and Shiro is the same. If he didn’t know for a _fact_ this room was sound-proof, they would have to leave the solar system in shame. When Keith feels his orgasm start to build, he grips Shiro hard enough to bruise him and his toes clench.  
  
_‘Shiro--’  
_  
And this warning is enough to throw water on the fire, to quell it into something burning lower but no less intense. Shiro eases off, on the edge himself, and sinks down almost stomach-to-stomach. It’s intimate and stifling with their bodies pressed together. It hampers his movements but they are both so close, it doesn’t matter.  
  
‘I love you,’ Shiro whispers, breathing heavily. 'I'm so grateful. Every day I'm grateful for you'.  
  
His thrusts now, are languid but deep and Keith feels himself inching closer with each one, thighs tightening against Shiro’s waist. He can hardly breathe. He whispers his own clear confession.  
_  
‘I love you’._  
  
‘Keep your eyes on me,’ Shiro whispers, ‘when you cum. I want you to look at me. I want to see you’.  
  
Keith nods, but as he gets closer to the edge and the build-up starts to quicken, his eyes close instinctively.  He whimpers in desperation for release. Shiro grabs his jaw tight between his fingers.  
  
_‘Open them’._  
  
Keith opens his eyes and lays a palm over the hand Shiro has on his face, crushing Shiro’s fingers when he hits that wall. He looks into Shiro’s eyes when he cums. It hits him hard and it’s _dry_. His stomach clenches and his legs _shake_ , and a pitiful sound is leached from him which Shiro silences before he’s even finished. Shiro kisses him and swallows the last of his groan and doesn’t withdraw until Keith has stops trembling. It takes a while. There are aftershocks.  
  
Then it’s his own turn and Keith returns the favour, holding Shiro by the back of his head so he can look into his face when he cums--- and Christ, he understands the draw when Shiro _does_ cum. First. he feels it. He feels Shiro tense up and freeze, then he sees the _release_ on his face and the combination is beautiful. To see it _and_ feel it while Shiro is inside him? Keith kisses him and swallows the guttural sound that comes out of Shiro when he cums.  
  
Then, Shiro collapses on top of him, his full weight against him, and they breathe heavily into each other’s bodies. Keith’s hair is matted on his face, he is so sweaty and _tired_. He feels physically and mentally drained. They stay that way for so long, he feels Shiro soften inside him.  
  
Shiro eventually finds the energy to pull out and roll off to the side, throwing the condom delicately off the bed. Shiro kisses him one last time, chaste and sweet, and Keith misses the weight of him instantly. He misses the fullness of Shiro inside him and the heightened connection.  
  
‘I’m sorry,' Shiro says tiredly. 'I wanted that to go differently’.  
  
Keith laughs quietly and shakes his head. He doesn’t know how to tell Shiro that he will still feel this tomorrow, and how the thought excites him. He knows they’ll have sweet, tender sex at some point and he looks forward to that, but this was good. It turns out they _are_ sexually compatible. But maybe he knew that all along.  
  
‘It’s hard to hold back sometimes,’ Shiro confesses. 'With you? You make me feel like---’ he trails off, unable to find the words.  
  
‘What?’  
  
Shiro rolls onto his side gingerly, his cock still oversensitive. He grimaces.  
  
‘I just love you’.  
  
‘Yeah? How much?’  
  
Shiro hesitates. Before he says anything, Keith understands his dilemma. He has the same incapacity to tell Shiro exactly what _I love you_ means, for fear it will scare him off. Maybe he would find it stifling and unbearable. Keith touches Shiro’s wrist tenderly and Shiro overcomes his reluctance. He just tells the uncomfortable truth.  
  
‘You’re all I have left, Keith. You’re the only thing that truly matters to me. It scares me when I think about that. If anything ever happens to you, I won’t be able to keep going,’ he says, heartrendingly honest. ‘I couldn't last. And I would do anything,’ he says. ‘I would die to keep you safe. Know that. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do or sacrifice'. A hopeless smile tugs at his lips. 'And I want you to be _happy_. You deserve more than I can ever give you, but I’m selfish. I don’t want you to have a better life with someone else. Just stay with me’. _  
_  
He looks ashamed of himself for saying that. Maybe another person would find this confession strange, but Keith has spent months of his life searching remote corners of the universe for Shiro because the alternative was incomprehensible. He understands. He pulls Shiro’s hand to his lips and kisses his open palm.  
  
‘I feel the same’.  
  
‘I don’t know why,’ Shiro answers.  
  
Keith smiles and rolls over. He slides a leg between Shiro’s calves.  
  
‘You tried to murder me and I still couldn’t walk away from you. I won’t ever let you go, Shiro. It’s cosmic stuff. I would die for you’.  
  
Shiro grimaces at the thought. He doesn’t want Keith to die as much as he doesn’t want Shiro to die.  
  
‘I don’t want that’.  
  
‘I know,’ Keith answers, ‘but it doesn’t matter, because I’ve been put to the test and I would do it again. You don’t remember what happened on that satellite after our fight, I know, but I want to tell you what happened,’ Keith says. ‘If we are going to make a go of this, we have to be honest with each other. Realistically, we might not get a lot of time together. It’s not a safe universe anymore. If I die first, I want you to know how I really feel’.  
  
Shiro’s lips part in protest but he changes his mind. He touches Keith’s arm with his fingertips instead. He maintains physical contact, tactile even now. It comforts him.  
  
‘I risked my life to _save_ you,’ Keith says, ‘even after everything you said and did to me on that station. And there came a moment, when everything broke apart, when it was clear we would both die if I didn’t let you go. We were hanging from debris. We were too heavy. If I released you, I could have saved myself. But I didn’t,’ Keith says. ‘So the time passed and we both fell, and in my last moments alive I held your hand and saw your face and I remembered every beautiful and precious memory I had with you, because they were the only parts of my life worth remembering’.  
  
Shiro’s face contorts in pain and Keith’s throat burns. He has to make him _understand.  
_  
‘And I was so content to die,’ Keith says honestly, ‘knowing I had lived a life that had you in it. It was enough,’ he says. ‘If I had to die, we were together. That’s all that mattered to me. I couldn’t let you die alone. I couldn’t go on without you. In those last few moments, I was happy. I wasn’t afraid’.  
  
Shiro’s lips part but there is nothing he can say. Wishing Keith didn't feel that way won't make it true.  
  
‘I’m not suicidal,’ Keith says with a hopeless smile. ‘I love being alive, even when it hurts. I will give everything I have to make this universe a better place for as long as I can. But without you? I can't do it. I need you too. I wish I didn’t, but I do. It’s too late to undo it. So let’s come to terms with that together. Or better yet,’ he says eagerly, ‘let’s try and stay alive, okay? Let’s live well and be happy. We only just figured out how to do that. It's nice. I would prefer that’.  
  
Shiro looks devastated by this confession. Maybe they are both broken beyond repair. But, he matches Keith’s smile in the end. This relationship can't be undone. Shiro has lost too much to ever relinquish him now. Keith feels the same. He cards his fingers through Shiro’s hair and kisses him, whispering into the side of his mouth.  
  
‘I’ll stay with you, Shiro. Until the day I die'.  
  
Shiro laces their fingers together and closes his eyes.  
  
'And then some'.

  
  
*

  
  
That night, Keith does what he has become accustomed to. He drapes himself over Shiro’s back and takes comfort in the way he relaxes beneath him. He grounds himself in Shiro’s heartbeat. He savours the warmth and the smell of him. He enjoys this comfort. Whatever fights wait in the distance for them, they will win or lose together. He has no control over that. He has already faced his death and been happy with the life lived. The next time won’t be any different.

**Author's Note:**

> I hammered this out in one day, so it's not what I would have liked, but I wanted to write something before the new season drops in case that emotionally devastates me to the point i can't write anything ever again. So she'll do!!!
> 
> I also think this was probably a continuation of [this](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16336682).


End file.
